Here we are, exactly half-way through the first month of the year. Only 16 days in and it feels belated to say, “Happy New Year!” But indeed it is a new year and with every new year comes new resolutions.  Maybe your resolution is to stress less, play more, cut back on the sugar, the swearing, the procrastination.  All of the above?

Usually around this time many people are beginning to lose the steam that got them out of the gate on January 1.  I know because I could barely get a parking space at the gym the first few days of the year and now, what do you know?  More spaces already.  Where are you with the resolutions that you made for 2010?  Are you still on track?

As a life and relationship coach, I often assist people in getting back on track.  When we set resolutions we set them with the best of intentions.  Yet, the best intentions still don’t always lead to the best results.  Two days ago a client called me feeling utterly defeated.  Let’s call her Shelly.  Shelly said to me, “Laura, I swore this was going to be the year I lost this weight.  I was going to go to the gym three times a week and I was going to start taking care of myself.  We aren’t even two weeks into January and I have already blown it.  I am embarrassed to tell you this, but I just had chocolate cake and cookies for breakfast and I haven’t been to the gym since the 1st.  I am just worthless I tell you!”

This is not the first time I have heard this tale from a client.  Shelly has been trying to lose this weight and change her lifestyle for years.  Shelly, like so many others, seems to fall under the delusion that somehow January 1st has some type of magical power that makes all of the things you’ve ever wanted easier to achieve.  Let me let you in a little secret: January 1st -same as any other day, and every day holds the possibility of transformation.

I was quick to remind Shelly that she had not ‘blown it.’  She had some cake and cookies.  Maybe it’s not the most healthful breakfast choice; but it’s also not the end of the world and it’s certainly no reason to give up on the dream.  What it does show is that Shelly needs to get clear about what her dream really is.  If you set resolutions this year, and especially if you have already “fallen off the wagon” it is time to put your goals into perspective.

Getting what you REALLY want

When we set goals or resolutions in our lives we have a tendency to become overly focused on the outcome.  If you focus more on what you REALLY want, not just what you think it looks like (in Shelly’s case it looks like 150 lbs.) you have a better chance of having your cake and eating it too!

So how do you find what you really want?  First, get curious.  Take a look at all of the things you have resolved to do this year.  For each one ask yourself this, “When I have xyz, how will I feel?”  I asked Shelly, “When you weigh 150 lbs and are going to the gym three times a week, how will you feel?”

“Great!” she exclaimed.  ”Why, ‘great’?” I asked.  “Because I will feel strong and confident in my own skin, I will feel like I can take on the world.  I will feel like my life is worth something.”  When you look at your response you are looking for the feelings that you desire.  The feeling that Shelly is really seeking from these goals is the feeling of worth.  The feelings of strength and confidence are really outgrowths of what Shelly truly desires:  to feel worthy. 

Another client, Kevin, felt the same way about money.  He wanted desperately to make six-figures last year.  When I asked him how he would feel when he had the income he desired, he revealed that he would finally feel safe and secure.  What Kevin really wants to feel in his life is safe and secure and it is Kevin who has decided that safety and security look like a six-figure income.  It’s fine to have this goal, just as it is fine for Shelly to have the goal of weighing 150 lbs, but not if the focus on the goal outshines the focus on the feeling. 

To get what you think you want (the money, the perfect number on the scale, etc.) focus on what you know you really want- the feeling underneath.  Realize that you wouldn’t want the outcome if you didn’t imagine that it would give you the underlying feeling that you desire.  If Kevin thought the money would make him feel exposed and vulnerable he wouldn’t want it.   What we are all really seeking in each of our resolutions is to bring to the surface something we need to heal.

Now that you have found out what feeling underlies your goal, you can start healing today by asking yourself the following questions:

What is preventing me from feeling this feeling right now?

If you find yourself blaming someone or something else for you not being able to feel this now, stop.  Step into your power.  You can’t begin to heal if you are putting your feelings in someone else’s hands.  You create your own reality and you can start healing right now.  How are YOU preventing yourself from having this feeling?  Once you are able to see how you are blocking yourself, it will become easier to start making behavior changes that will align you with your real goal.

What can I do to create that feeling in my life today?

Forget the past.  Harness your power and start with baby steps.  If you imagine that weighing 150 lbs a year from now will make you feel worthy, ask “what would make me feel worthy today?”.  Do something, no matter how small, that aligns you with that feeling NOW.  When you align with that feeling today it creates an energy field in your life that will attract that same feeling in the future.  You know, that future a year from now where that 150 lbs is. 

Start your true process of transformation today.  Remove your attachment to the outcome and focus on the feeling you want.  By letting go of the attachment and giving yourself what you REALLY want right now, you don’t have to wait for your future to bring it to you.  Magically though, by giving it to yourself right now, it expands and grows, giving you more of that feeling in the future.  So, if you have associated that feeling of worthiness with weighing 150 lbs, you may just get your wish.  That is what I call having your cake and eating it too!

How it all Vegan….

A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to change my diet and “go vegan.”  I’ve been a vegetarian for 17 years so how hard could it be to merely eliminate dairy?  It’s just one more thing, right?  Wrong.  Considering I don’t even drink milk directly I actually consume an incredible amount of dairy.  This is because my favorite drug of choice happens to be made from it-ice-cream, sweet, glorious ice-cream.  Let’s also not forget the cheese -melty, soft, gooey cheese.  As a vegetarian you really come to depend on cheese since most establishments offer “cheese sandwiches” as their singular vegetarian offering.  

The sad truth is that I relied on dairy the way junkies rely on their next fix.  No matter how crappy my day was, I could always count on my trusty bowl of ice-cream to make it all okay.  I sought pleasure in it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s completely appropriate for you to enjoy your food.   But enjoying your food is not the same as seeking pleasure from it.  For example, a nice glass of wine to accompany a meal, cool.  But when you use wine as a way to ease your pain and drown your sorrows, it becomes a vehicle for relief and a coping mechanism, not just a tasty beverage. This, my friends was what dairy had become for me.   When I felt stressed, I was not seeking red pepper strips with hummus.  No.  I was seeking Breyer’s Vanilla Bean double churned ice-cream with peanut butter, chocolate syrup and whipped cream on top.  Before I start salivating let me share with you some of this journey.

First, I totally did not expect the reactions that I got when I told my friends about my decision to go vegan.  Many of them got really defensive.  It was as if I was telling them THEY were becoming vegan.  “Why?!” they all exclaimed. “That’s really stupid” said another.  So, just incase you were thinking the same thing as you read this, I felt an explanation was necessary.    

My decision is very personal and multi-faceted.  I care about the animals, my health and the environment, but I have never been an activist.  I don’t believe in preaching.  I think it is judgmental and highly ineffective.  Who am I to say what you should do, think, feel or eat?  When it comes to our choices in life, certainly we are influenced by others but ultimately the decisions we make are for ourselves and represent our own values.  Our decisions need to come from our own internal sense of what is true for us as individuals.  I can say that those who have influenced me most have done so by being a living example of their principles, NOT by preaching to me.  I am a fan of the “walk your talk” mentality.  Which gets to the heart of why I made this decision: last month I realized I wasn’t walking my talk.

Every one of us has a still small voice inside.   This still small voice doesn’t necessarily speak in words, it could also feel like a nudge or an intuition or a gut reaction.  I like to think of it as an internal compass.  It is what gives you your bearings.  It provides guidance as to which way leads home and which way takes you off course.  Some call it guidance from God, some call it their inner knowing, but the fact is no matter what your particular faith is, we all have this direct connection to our own source.   So for now, we will call it “our compass.”

My compass had been giving me a strange reading for a couple of weeks. In the last several weeks I saw an influx of healing clients. Two of them inspired this blog post.  After one of my sessions I found myself feeling anger.  As you know from my “you spot it, you got it” post, I took this as a definite sign that this meant there was something in me that needed to be addressed.  The heart of what I was angry about with my client was their level of denial.  It was astounding and frustrating to me.  How could anyone be so smart and deny things that were so obvious?  So of course I had to get real with myself, realize it wasn’t about them anymore, and find out what in the heck I was denying. 

It may sound odd, but for weeks prior to this my inner compass had been suggesting that I give up dairy.  I barely let myself acknowledge this compass reading because I simply could not handle the ramifications of such a suggestion.  Heading this advice would mean giving up my favorite vices, ice-cream and cheese.  At a time when I was already feeling stressed?  I think not!  So I kept denying that I was receiving the guidance at all.  I would go to the fridge, get a bowl of ice cream and I swear I could feel my compass steering me in another direction.  The more it steered the more I rebelled and denied. 

I thought it would be too hard and I didn’t want to give up my drug of choice. So I denied that I was having a problem.  Then on the night that client left, after my second bowl of frozen moo juice my “Aha” moment came.  “THIS is why I am mad at my client; the denial is what I spot because the denial is what I’ve got.”  I am mad at him for denying his inner voice because I am doing the same freaking thing.  I finally put down the spoon and headed immediately to my meditation cushion and I sat and I cried. 

A long time ago I made a decision that I would always walk my talk.  How can you help someone to heal something that you yourself can’t heal?  The answer: you can’t. Would you go ask your bankrupt sister for advice on how to save money?  No.  She can’t help you if she can’t help herself.  So how was I going to support my client in facing his own denial if I didn’t have the guts to face mine?  In that moment I knew what I had to do, not because anyone was forcing me, but because I am passionate about living my values and being the change I wish to see.  So THIS my friends, is how and why it all vegan. 

In the midst of all this, another client responded to my recent request for “Ask Rev. Laura” questions post.  This is where you send me your questions about life and I attempt to answer them.  Note to you:  Send Rev. Laura a question immediately for next month. Thank you. So anyway, turns out that this client wanted to know about the very thing I happened to be working on: finding and following your inner guidance.

He asks, “I have been feeling so directionless lately.  I am sure this is a really common problem that all of us have, but none of us really know what to do with.  Can you talk about this and share something that might be helpful for those of us feeling directionless?”    I just did this myself, so the timing couldn’t have been better!  My directionless friend, this is for you!

How to locate, read and follow your inner compass:

Step 1. Locating your compass.   Your inner compass is not in your head, so get out of there.  Your inner compass exists about 18 inches lower, at your heart center and down into your belly (hence the term: gut reaction).  To get yourself there, proceed to step 2.

Step 2:  Be quiet!  Yes, I am talking to you, Mr. Mental Commentary. Spend time each day, even if it’s just 5 minutes by yourself, quiet and sitting.  I recommend sitting because lying down will cause you to feel sleepy and drift into unconsciousness.  We are trying to GET conscious of our feelings, not take a nap. 

Making quiet time increases the clarity and strength of the inner voice.  This is mainly because unlike Mr. Commentary, Ms. Intuition does NOT raise her voice.  So by getting quiet you encourage Mr. Commentary to step down as your default compass bearing. Ms. Intuition will then seem to be getting louder although it is still the same quiet encouraging voice.  You will recognize this compass bearing because Ms. Intuition suggests, quietly and NEVER tells you what to do. 

To make sure that the guidance you are getting is truly from your compass and not from Mr. Commentary a good red flag is the feeling tone behind it.  For example, if you hear a voice that says, “You are so stupid for eating all this ice-cream, you are a fat cow with a dairy problem, moo.” THIS IS NOT YOUR INNER GUIDE.  This is your ego and mental commentary.  If it sounds more like, “you have been angry about your clients denial, is it possible that you have also been denying something?  Like your reliance on ice-cream? Maybe you could try eliminating it and seeing how that feels.” It is a lot more likely that’s the voice of your inner compass.  The true compass will never tell you what to do, but will merely suggest a possible direction.  It is up to you if you choose to follow it or not. 

Step 3:  Read the compass.  This is the most challenging part.  Often times we tell our selves that we don’t know what to do next, which leave us feeling directionless.  Now let’s think for a minute.  If we ourselves don’t know what to do next, who do we think does?  The bottom line is no one knows more about what is right for you than you.  If your compass has been suggesting that you try a different direction, know that it’s normal to react with denial.   Yet you must be willing to look at what your compass is telling you.  Change is scary, no doubt about it, so don’t worry about changing right yet.  In this step, simply allow yourself to read what the compass says without judging it and without feeling like you have to act on its guidance immediately.

Step 4:  Follow your own direction.  Now that you have accepted where you are and have gotten some direction from your compass, it is time to act.  Just because now is the time, doesn’t mean it will happen right this second.  For me, my guidance to move towards veganism felt so far from where I was I had to spend a few weeks gathering the strength and courage to take a step forward.  Keep your intention focused on the direction you want to move.  Imagine that you have already made the leap.  Feel what it might feel like to take this direction.  Feel in your body how it feels to successfully reach that goal.  Then let that vision of your success pull you towards your goal.

Step 5:  Arrive.  Now that you have mustered up the courage to take that first step, keep moving towards your destination.  The first few steps on any path feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take this discomfort as a sign that you have moved in the wrong direction.  It always feels that way at first.  Think of a drug addict who quits heroin.  If the addict judged his success based on how he felt 72 hours after sobering up he would clearly think he failed.  Withdrawal and change is uncomfortable, suck it up.  On the other side awaits a new clear path so stay your course.  All that said, I acknowledge that the first few steps are the hardest.  I also acknowledge that you can definitely do this! So take a breath, put one foot in front of the other, and follow your own direction.

In the end, this whole vegan thing is the appropriate direction for me, for right now.  I don’t know what my inner voice will guide me to next week, next month, or next year, but I will be listening.  I offer you many blessings on your own unique journey.  May you have the strength, the courage and the faith to trust in yourself and move fearlessly towards your own North Star. 

Namaste!