How it all Vegan….

A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to change my diet and “go vegan.”  I’ve been a vegetarian for 17 years so how hard could it be to merely eliminate dairy?  It’s just one more thing, right?  Wrong.  Considering I don’t even drink milk directly I actually consume an incredible amount of dairy.  This is because my favorite drug of choice happens to be made from it-ice-cream, sweet, glorious ice-cream.  Let’s also not forget the cheese -melty, soft, gooey cheese.  As a vegetarian you really come to depend on cheese since most establishments offer “cheese sandwiches” as their singular vegetarian offering.  

The sad truth is that I relied on dairy the way junkies rely on their next fix.  No matter how crappy my day was, I could always count on my trusty bowl of ice-cream to make it all okay.  I sought pleasure in it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s completely appropriate for you to enjoy your food.   But enjoying your food is not the same as seeking pleasure from it.  For example, a nice glass of wine to accompany a meal, cool.  But when you use wine as a way to ease your pain and drown your sorrows, it becomes a vehicle for relief and a coping mechanism, not just a tasty beverage. This, my friends was what dairy had become for me.   When I felt stressed, I was not seeking red pepper strips with hummus.  No.  I was seeking Breyer’s Vanilla Bean double churned ice-cream with peanut butter, chocolate syrup and whipped cream on top.  Before I start salivating let me share with you some of this journey.

First, I totally did not expect the reactions that I got when I told my friends about my decision to go vegan.  Many of them got really defensive.  It was as if I was telling them THEY were becoming vegan.  “Why?!” they all exclaimed. “That’s really stupid” said another.  So, just incase you were thinking the same thing as you read this, I felt an explanation was necessary.    

My decision is very personal and multi-faceted.  I care about the animals, my health and the environment, but I have never been an activist.  I don’t believe in preaching.  I think it is judgmental and highly ineffective.  Who am I to say what you should do, think, feel or eat?  When it comes to our choices in life, certainly we are influenced by others but ultimately the decisions we make are for ourselves and represent our own values.  Our decisions need to come from our own internal sense of what is true for us as individuals.  I can say that those who have influenced me most have done so by being a living example of their principles, NOT by preaching to me.  I am a fan of the “walk your talk” mentality.  Which gets to the heart of why I made this decision: last month I realized I wasn’t walking my talk.

Every one of us has a still small voice inside.   This still small voice doesn’t necessarily speak in words, it could also feel like a nudge or an intuition or a gut reaction.  I like to think of it as an internal compass.  It is what gives you your bearings.  It provides guidance as to which way leads home and which way takes you off course.  Some call it guidance from God, some call it their inner knowing, but the fact is no matter what your particular faith is, we all have this direct connection to our own source.   So for now, we will call it “our compass.”

My compass had been giving me a strange reading for a couple of weeks. In the last several weeks I saw an influx of healing clients. Two of them inspired this blog post.  After one of my sessions I found myself feeling anger.  As you know from my “you spot it, you got it” post, I took this as a definite sign that this meant there was something in me that needed to be addressed.  The heart of what I was angry about with my client was their level of denial.  It was astounding and frustrating to me.  How could anyone be so smart and deny things that were so obvious?  So of course I had to get real with myself, realize it wasn’t about them anymore, and find out what in the heck I was denying. 

It may sound odd, but for weeks prior to this my inner compass had been suggesting that I give up dairy.  I barely let myself acknowledge this compass reading because I simply could not handle the ramifications of such a suggestion.  Heading this advice would mean giving up my favorite vices, ice-cream and cheese.  At a time when I was already feeling stressed?  I think not!  So I kept denying that I was receiving the guidance at all.  I would go to the fridge, get a bowl of ice cream and I swear I could feel my compass steering me in another direction.  The more it steered the more I rebelled and denied. 

I thought it would be too hard and I didn’t want to give up my drug of choice. So I denied that I was having a problem.  Then on the night that client left, after my second bowl of frozen moo juice my “Aha” moment came.  “THIS is why I am mad at my client; the denial is what I spot because the denial is what I’ve got.”  I am mad at him for denying his inner voice because I am doing the same freaking thing.  I finally put down the spoon and headed immediately to my meditation cushion and I sat and I cried. 

A long time ago I made a decision that I would always walk my talk.  How can you help someone to heal something that you yourself can’t heal?  The answer: you can’t. Would you go ask your bankrupt sister for advice on how to save money?  No.  She can’t help you if she can’t help herself.  So how was I going to support my client in facing his own denial if I didn’t have the guts to face mine?  In that moment I knew what I had to do, not because anyone was forcing me, but because I am passionate about living my values and being the change I wish to see.  So THIS my friends, is how and why it all vegan. 

In the midst of all this, another client responded to my recent request for “Ask Rev. Laura” questions post.  This is where you send me your questions about life and I attempt to answer them.  Note to you:  Send Rev. Laura a question immediately for next month. Thank you. So anyway, turns out that this client wanted to know about the very thing I happened to be working on: finding and following your inner guidance.

He asks, “I have been feeling so directionless lately.  I am sure this is a really common problem that all of us have, but none of us really know what to do with.  Can you talk about this and share something that might be helpful for those of us feeling directionless?”    I just did this myself, so the timing couldn’t have been better!  My directionless friend, this is for you!

How to locate, read and follow your inner compass:

Step 1. Locating your compass.   Your inner compass is not in your head, so get out of there.  Your inner compass exists about 18 inches lower, at your heart center and down into your belly (hence the term: gut reaction).  To get yourself there, proceed to step 2.

Step 2:  Be quiet!  Yes, I am talking to you, Mr. Mental Commentary. Spend time each day, even if it’s just 5 minutes by yourself, quiet and sitting.  I recommend sitting because lying down will cause you to feel sleepy and drift into unconsciousness.  We are trying to GET conscious of our feelings, not take a nap. 

Making quiet time increases the clarity and strength of the inner voice.  This is mainly because unlike Mr. Commentary, Ms. Intuition does NOT raise her voice.  So by getting quiet you encourage Mr. Commentary to step down as your default compass bearing. Ms. Intuition will then seem to be getting louder although it is still the same quiet encouraging voice.  You will recognize this compass bearing because Ms. Intuition suggests, quietly and NEVER tells you what to do. 

To make sure that the guidance you are getting is truly from your compass and not from Mr. Commentary a good red flag is the feeling tone behind it.  For example, if you hear a voice that says, “You are so stupid for eating all this ice-cream, you are a fat cow with a dairy problem, moo.” THIS IS NOT YOUR INNER GUIDE.  This is your ego and mental commentary.  If it sounds more like, “you have been angry about your clients denial, is it possible that you have also been denying something?  Like your reliance on ice-cream? Maybe you could try eliminating it and seeing how that feels.” It is a lot more likely that’s the voice of your inner compass.  The true compass will never tell you what to do, but will merely suggest a possible direction.  It is up to you if you choose to follow it or not. 

Step 3:  Read the compass.  This is the most challenging part.  Often times we tell our selves that we don’t know what to do next, which leave us feeling directionless.  Now let’s think for a minute.  If we ourselves don’t know what to do next, who do we think does?  The bottom line is no one knows more about what is right for you than you.  If your compass has been suggesting that you try a different direction, know that it’s normal to react with denial.   Yet you must be willing to look at what your compass is telling you.  Change is scary, no doubt about it, so don’t worry about changing right yet.  In this step, simply allow yourself to read what the compass says without judging it and without feeling like you have to act on its guidance immediately.

Step 4:  Follow your own direction.  Now that you have accepted where you are and have gotten some direction from your compass, it is time to act.  Just because now is the time, doesn’t mean it will happen right this second.  For me, my guidance to move towards veganism felt so far from where I was I had to spend a few weeks gathering the strength and courage to take a step forward.  Keep your intention focused on the direction you want to move.  Imagine that you have already made the leap.  Feel what it might feel like to take this direction.  Feel in your body how it feels to successfully reach that goal.  Then let that vision of your success pull you towards your goal.

Step 5:  Arrive.  Now that you have mustered up the courage to take that first step, keep moving towards your destination.  The first few steps on any path feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take this discomfort as a sign that you have moved in the wrong direction.  It always feels that way at first.  Think of a drug addict who quits heroin.  If the addict judged his success based on how he felt 72 hours after sobering up he would clearly think he failed.  Withdrawal and change is uncomfortable, suck it up.  On the other side awaits a new clear path so stay your course.  All that said, I acknowledge that the first few steps are the hardest.  I also acknowledge that you can definitely do this! So take a breath, put one foot in front of the other, and follow your own direction.

In the end, this whole vegan thing is the appropriate direction for me, for right now.  I don’t know what my inner voice will guide me to next week, next month, or next year, but I will be listening.  I offer you many blessings on your own unique journey.  May you have the strength, the courage and the faith to trust in yourself and move fearlessly towards your own North Star. 

Namaste!

April showers bring May flowers.

When it started pouring rain in the middle of my tennis match last week, I tried to remind myself of that saying, “April showers bring May flowers.”  Truth be told, that noble quote came only as an afterthought to my initial reactions—annoyance and disappointment.  I had been stuck in my office all day, just itching to get outside and enjoy the warm sunshine and my first match of spring.  No sooner had I put on my tennis skirt and arrived at the court, it started pouring.  I ran back to my car, now soaking wet and a little miffed.  As I sat in my car, hoping it would pass, I thought about that other little rhyme about rain, “Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.” 

 When the ‘rain’ comes in our lives we certainly don’t want it to come again another day; we just want it to go away.  This is how many of us deal with the painful things in our life and understandably so.  When we are confronted with something that annoys us or disappoints us or in general just makes us feel downright crappy, we usually just want for it to go away.   Sure, it makes logical sense; why wouldn’t I wish for the rain to go away during my tennis match?  But, it doesn’t acknowledge the simple fact that no matter what I wished for, it is not what IS right now.  What “is” right now is that it’s raining and I am annoyed.  Any amount of pushing those feelings away isn’t going to work.  It’s tricky because sometimes it may seem like it did work, but really anytime you push something down without addressing it, it just reappears later in a new form.

I had a friend once who hated her job, I mean REALLY hated her job.  She told me she could not deal with how crappy it was making her feel.  She frequently told me how miserable the job made her and how she fantasized about quitting.  Then one day, in a triumphant door slamming tirade that went something like, “find someone else to do this &*!&@ job for squat!”  She quit.  I remember when she called me that day, ecstatic about her new freedom.  “I never have to deal with those miserable people again!” she squealed with delight.  It wasn’t until about three weeks later, when still hadn’t been hired for a new job that those familiar feelings she felt at work resurfaced. 

All this talk of rain reminded me of the exercise I did with her when it was raining on her parade.  The purpose of the exercise is to heal your emotional suffering, no matter how big or small.  I learned this exercise from my meditation teacher, the amazing and wonderful, Tara Brach. 

 I am providing an account of how the “RAIN” technique worked with her issue, but let’s make this more fun!  Follow along with me and try to use this powerful technique for your own healing.  Read the exercise first once through to get a feel for how it works.  Then think about a situation in your life that really brought up negative or uncomfortable feelings that you really didn’t want to deal with.  Really think about the situation.  Close your eyes.  Let all of your emotions and thoughts about your painful situation rise to the surface.  Then do this….

RAIN—an acronym for healing emotional suffering

R- Recognize- notice what you are REALLY feeling, all of it.  In my friend’s example the strongest feeling she ha was that of feeling like a failure.  Just recognize what your strongest feeling is at its root.

A- Allow- give yourself permission to feel whatever is coming up from you without judgment.  We have a tendency to rationalize our feelings away.  Know this: feelings cannot be rationalized away; they are there to be felt. 

When I had my friend do this exercise she recognized that on some level she felt like she was a failure for quitting. Even though she realized this mentally she never let herself experience the feeling of failure because she kept rationalizing with herself that she shouldn’t feel that way.  “I chose to quit so I shouldn’t feel like a failure.”   It doesn’t matter what you “should or shouldn’t feel”.  That is a judgment.  In fact, if you even think “I should or shouldn’t feel ______” take it as a sign that you are rationalizing your emotions and not allowing what is to just be.  In this stage of allowing, do only this: allow. 

I- Intimacy/Investigate- now that you are allowing your feelings to be whatever they are, get really intimate with them.   Getting intimate means getting out of your head and instead getting into your heart.  To do this you must investigate what the emotion feels like in a very physical way in your body.  It means asking questions like, “What is happening?  What in me needs attention or acceptance? Where do I feel the tightness in my body?”

For my friend it went something like, “Okay I accept that I am feeling like a failure.  In my body I feel this as tightness in my chest.  My throat feels like it is closing and I can feel tears filling up in my eyes.  I also feel my stomach turning.  I have felt this way before.  Actually, come to think about it, I felt this way with my parents as a child.  I remember I hated this feeling and I did everything I could to avoid it.  Which I guess didn’t work because the feeling is still here.”

This is a perfect example of something changing form.  The feelings of failure she didn’t deal with from the past are still asking to be felt and are now popping up in whatever situation provides the fertile soil. First it came as a child and wasn’t felt, then in her job, now in her quitting of the job.   

You may be thinking, Laura, this exercise does NOT sound fun.  I can’t argue.  It is never fun to deal with the crap we don’t want to deal with.  But I can promise you that this ancient Zen saying is true, “with emotions, suppression leads to momentary relief and permanent pain while expression leads to temporary pain but permanent relief.” Trust that if you actually feel these things they will eventually stop returning.

N- Non-identification- this basically means not taking your emotions too seriously. 

By now you have gotten pretty deep into your feelings.  Sometimes we get so deep that we forget that we are anything BUT that feeling.  It is easy to feel consumed by negative emotions and that is often one of our main fears in experiencing them.  But as long as you remember “this FEELING is not me, it is just a feeling that will pass,” you will be well on the road to healing. 

For my friend, she went through several boxes of tissues during steps one through three.  As we got to the N of RAIN, I gently reminded her that she was more than just her feelings.  So I will now remind you: Never take yourself or your feelings too seriously.  Buddha believed that life was suffering.  You’d think that he would be a pretty bummed out kind of dude, yet in every depiction of the Buddha, he is smiling.  This is because he also believed that life was also in many ways illusory and therefore not that serious.   The mantra of this stage is “It’s not that serious.”

If you followed along you are probably feeling pretty run through the ringer right now and that is okay.   I have used this technique many times to move through my own emotions and I have never regretted it.  Staying with your emotions with a compassionate and open heart, full of awareness, is what heals.

When you go into healing your emotions, go in with a compassionate heart.  Love yourself and allow whatever comes up to be.  Even if you happen to be standing in a tennis skirt in the pouring rain cursing at the sky, just let it be.  Know that you are more than that one feeling in that one moment.  Know that your true essence is loving awareness and that healing is always possible.

I hope that by allowing these “showers” your flowers will bloom!

Love and Light!