This month’s blog post comes in response to two separate requests for me to address this topic.  I think it is something all of us can relate to, but few of us know what to do about it.  Here’s the scenario:  You have been up since 5 a.m., worked for more than 8 hours, not to mention taken care of the 50 other things you also had to do today.  All you have been dreaming about since you woke-up was when you would get to crawl back in that bed again.  Now you have finally made it.  It is 11:30 p.m. and you are so tired you are sure you will be asleep the minute your head hits the pillow.  First you toss, and then you turn.  Then you readjust the pillow.  5 minutes goes by.  25 more minutes go by.  You are so tired you could cry, but you can’t sleep.  Why?  Because you can’t stop thinking!

We have all experienced the dreaded “thought stream” that feels more like an out of control raging river during times like these.  Ellen DeGeneres even has a hilarious skit about this in her “The Beginning” stand-up sketch.  Whether you are reminding yourself about the money you left in your pants or rehearsing what you will say to that co-worker who thinks it’s okay to drink the community juice out of the carton, two things are for sure:  you are not sleeping and you are not comfortable with it.

Ironically, it is not the thinking that is the real nemesis; it is the resistance to it.  The resistance is what keeps us stuck in the stream.  This is not just true for those annoying thought streams at night, but true for life in general.  What we resist persists. 

Whenever you experience discomfort in life, there is resistance.  The tricky thing about resistance is that it is often unconscious.  It can come in the form of aches and pains, illness, anger, boredom, anxiety and even tossing and turning at night.  The trick to a more peaceful sleep and even a more peaceful life does not come from trying to address all of those various thoughts begging for your attention at midnight. The true peace comes from addressing the underlying cause: resistance. 

The 1,001 thoughts that you are having as you lay there are not the real problem.  It is the voice that says, “All I want to do is go to sleep and I can’t stop thinking.  This is so frustrating!” that’s the real nemesis.  That, my friend, is the voice of resistance to “what is.”  Resistance is totally understandable.  We learn from a very young age to move away from pain and discomfort.  It becomes an automatic response.  Yet, just because something is automatic, does not mean it is the most effective.

Those new to meditating often experience similar effects to the tossers and turners.  I have had many of my students tell me they can’t meditate.  When I ask them how they know, they say, “Because I can’t stop thinking.”  In actuality, meditation is not the absence of thought, but rather the non-resistant witnessing of thought.  When you catch yourself thinking about the money in the pants or the crazy juice guy, stop.  Instead of beating yourself up and getting frustrated about it (resistance in disguise) just notice it.  Try not to actually follow the thought stream down its path.  When you find yourself caught up in thinking, just witness it.  I tell my students to simply say, “Thinking” as a way to note to themselves that it is not something to get frustrated about; rather it simply is what it is.  The big secret is that when you witness what is going on without judgment, the resistance in all of its unpleasant forms starts to melt away.

Here is what this might look like when applied to our previous scenario: You are lying in bed; it’s been 30 minutes since you tried to sleep.  Thoughts of the money in the pants and the juice guy assail you.  All of a sudden as if waking up from a dream you realize you have been thinking about these things for 30 minutes.  STOP.  DO NOT then think “great, there I go again thinking, I will never get to sleep.”  No beating yourself up.  Instead, just witness what has happened without judgment.  A simple labeling “thinking” will suffice.   Focus on your breath as you breathe in and out for several moments and concentrate on relaxing.  When you start thinking again, and likely you will, treat it with this same compassion and again stop the stream and label it “thinking.”  The more that you get in this habit of witnessing, labeling and allowing the sooner it will cease to be a problem. 

Resistance may not seem like that big of a deal if all you are missing is a few hours of shut eye, but this pattern of resistance affects us in far deeper ways.  As Steven Pressfield says, “Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.”  When you find yourself in these patterns of resistance at night or during meditation it’s really just a signal that something in your life needs your attention -your compassionate witness. 

How do you know if you are resisting in other areas of your life?  Easy.  Wherever there is discomfort, there is resistance. Period.  The solution to healing discomfort in your life is by healing the root cause: resistance. So how do we start to heal?

Healing Resistance 101:

1. You must first become aware that it is there. Discomfort= resistance. If you are uncomfortable, you are resisting. You don’t need to know what it is, why it’s there or what is causing it.

2. Once you notice resistance, go into curious mode. Become super curious of what is going on for you. Become the watcher, the witness. Notice your thoughts (”thinking”), notice your feelings. Simply notice, with compassion and non-judgment.

3. When you treat your discomfort in this way most of it will probably disappear immediately, but not if you’re focused on having it disappear, which is more resistance.

4. Watching your thoughts and feelings in this way requires practice. Our automatic reaction to discomfort is to run from it or think, “Make it go away, NOW!” Know this and just allow your thoughts and feelings to be without running from them.

5. Remember that resisting what is does not stop it from being what is. Only witnessing, allowing and accepting have the power to transform your life.

6. Focus on your breath and when you find discomfort, move into it, not away from it. BREATHE.

The next time you find yourself tossing and turning or feeling really uncomfortable, I challenge you to let it be okay.  Watch it, witness it, and breathe.

Sweet dreams!